Sometimes, good friends simply “grow apart.” Interests change, social circles shift, a family moves away–these are just a few reasons a friendship might fail apart. What is the best way to handle a friendship’s end? What have you learned from your experiences or from witnessing other friends grow apart?
If you think adults don’t go through the same thing, you’ll be surprised by “It’s Not Me, It’s You.” In this article, Alex Williams writes:
“The first step before you end a friendship is to consider, very carefully and seriously, if you want to end a particular friendship or if you just want to wind it down,” said Jan Yager, a friendship coach and author of “When Friendship Hurts: How to Deal With Friends Who Betray, Abandon, or Wound You” (Simon & Schuster, 2002). “It will usually be a lot more pleasant to just pull away, and stop sharing as much privileged information.”
The passive approach can work, sort of. Marni Zarr, 46, a substitute teacher in Mesa, Ariz., employed it when she decided that a friend she had picked up in parents’ circles was starting to drag her down with her neediness and constant competitiveness. Ms. Zarr gave less of herself in conversations, stopped talking about her feelings, became vaguer about future aspirations.
“I took the route of distancing myself: not immediately answering texts,” she recalled. “I answered the important things, but not the ‘Hey, how are you doing, what’s up tonight?’ ones.”
… Mr. Horchow, who at 83 has been carefully adding and dropping friends since Franklin Roosevelt was president, prefers the gentlemanly approach.
“At any age, dropping a friend is a delicate matter and should be handled kindly,” he said. “You don’t want to have to make a pronouncement that your friendship is declining or over; you don’t want to have to say anything. If asked why you haven’t seen each other for a while, be vague. ‘I’m just so busy’ or ‘I’m traveling a lot.’ ”
… A trial separation can soften the blow.
“You might also want to suggest a cooling-off, or a revisiting your friendship in X number of weeks or months,” said Dr. Yager, the friendship coach. “Your former friend will probably put more time and energy into the other friendships that are working and will forget about contacting you in time.”
Such a direct approach ultimately may be effective, but it still engenders the same pain and awkwardness as an actual breakup, said Erika Johnson, a blogger who lives outside Boston. A couple of years ago, she found herself running a cost-benefit analysis of a friendship from her early 20s that was starting to grind her down.
Every new choice she made in her life — whether it was to return to graduate school or move to the suburbs — was greeted with dismissive scorn by the friend. Ms. Johnson decided to end the relationship with a telephone call.
“My main point was that life is very short and fleeting, and I value my happiness enough to eradicate the negative energy,” Ms. Johnson recalled. For months, the ex-friend continued to try to contact her. Ms. Johnson felt terrible, especially as mutual friends would tell her about the pain she had caused the woman.
Eventually, however, the reports from the mutual friends started to change in tenor. The old friend had been doing a lot of soul-searching after the breakup, they said. The mutual pain might have been worth it, Ms. Johnson concluded — to the point where she might consider another attempt at friendship with her.
Students: Are you surprised by what you read above about adults who agonize over ending their friendships? Can you relate to their situations? What do you think of the advice given by Dr. Yager and Mr. Horchow? What have you learned about handling relationships with your friends from the adults in your life?
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