How to French Kiss

Learning how to French kiss is easier said than done. And, a truly amazing, off the wall, blockbuster movie-style kiss has enough power to make you dizzy and weak in the knees. Does that sound cheesy? Because I’m pretty convinced that cheesy sayings were born after people experienced a next-level make out session.

Kissing can be the best, seriously. There is almost nothing better than making out. Even when you get older, move into adulthood, and gain more experience with things other than kissing, it doesn’t lose its appeal.

Of course, kissing is an ~art~ and it takes time to perfect it. Trust me, we all have anxiety about being “bad” kissers, experienced or not, and we’ve all Googled “what to do with your tongue when you kiss.” So if you’re feeling stressed about how to kiss with tongue, you are not alone.

The French Kiss is not something every single person can automatically do with no practice or tips. TBH, for the vast majority of us, putting a tongue in someone’s mouth is scary if you’ve never done it before (and even when you have).

You want to have that incredible, weak knees, dizzy kissing session, not a slobbery dog-like experience wherein someone is spitting all over you. You may have seen people kissing passionately in movies, and it may have looked impulsive and spur of the moment. In real life, you don't want to "just go for it." Be sure to always ask before you kiss someone so, you know both of you are sure this is something you want to do.

What is a French kiss?

This kind of kissing goes by a few names: deep kiss, making out, snogging, tongue kissing, necking. The idea is simple, in theory: The only difference between “regular” kissing and French kissing is that the latter involves a bit of tongue. Though, how much tongue is completely up to those doing the kissing. The mouth is full of erogenous zones, so kissing with tongue can often feel different than kissing without tongue, apart from the obvious addition. French kissing is a relatively new phrase to the English language and culture, arriving in the States (and Britain) in the early 1900s. It earned its name because French culture was thought to be a bit more sexually adventurous and passionate. 

To get you started on your path to be a true make out champion, we asked a few seasoned maker-outers for their best suggestions.

Here are a few golden tips to perfect the French kiss.

Do some prep

All lips are good lips, let’s start there. But if you want to dress them up a bit for the occasion, there are a couple of routes you can take. Lip gloss can be tempting… and it can also make a complete mess. Same goes for lipstick. If you want to soften things up for your partner, consider a bit of lip balm. You can reapply as much as you want without worrying about all of it ending up on someone else’s face.

Kick it off with some flirting

Making the first move can be intimidating, but someone has to do it. If you’ve decided to take it on, make sure and take careful note of your partner’s body language. Small, flirtatious touches can go a long way, but being direct is another good option. Telling someone you want to kiss them (and making sure they’re on the same page) can be a really empowering experience. Starting off with some thoughtful conversation is the best way to set the scene—here are some questions to ask your crush to get started.

Set the scene

Like with any other kiss or sexual situation, you want to make sure you’re in a comfortable place. Attempting a French kiss on a crowded bus is going to be much less fun than in the park or at home. Even better if you’re somewhere you can control the music, lighting, and a candle or two. Keep in mind that comfort levels are different for everyone, and the spaces you feel comfortable kissing may not be the same for your partner. This is a great conversation topic that will not only help you navigate this particular situation, but get to know your partner better.

Enthusiasm is important

Be passionate, and prescient, while simultaneously being able to fully enjoy the moment...it also really gives you a leg up if you love the person you're kissing. -Greg, 12 years of kissing experience.

Kissing is half technique, half bonafide excitement. You want to let the other person know that you are really enjoying the making out, but not too much, ya know? Don’t smash your face against your partner’s like you're trying to smoosh your faces together into one big face.

Or at least like them a whole lot!

Take a hint before you go full French

Never assume you have automatic consent (full stop) to force your tongue into someone else's mouth. Like all manner of foreplay, you should start with the basics before working your way up to speaking fluid French. And even then, it's not an inevitable destination; if your partner is pointedly not joining you part-way while you work your way through the French alphabet, take their cues and temper your passion accordingly. -Matt, 10 years of kissing experience.

So, you’re kissing someone and it’s going really well. Maybe you want to move into ~tongue kissing~? Don’t just go for it with reckless abandon. Start by lightly touching your tongue on their lip. See if they’re into it. If they are, your partner will likely part their lips, or touch their tongue to yours. If you're not sure, always ask if it's OK. Remember, kissing doesn’t always mean tongue kissing.

On that note, the last thing you want to do is aggressively snake into someone's mouth with your tongue. Take it slow. Feel it out. You may have seen intense, wild kissing like that in movies -- but it rarely works out that way in real life (at least not right in the beginning).

Suck on the upper lip

You suck on the upper lip. It’s all about the upper lip! Like a gentle giant. -Malgosia, 10 years of kissing experience.

I’m not talking about stopping mid-kiss so you can spend a full five or six seconds sucking on your partner’s upper lip. That would obviously be weird. Instead, while you’re kissing gently, take a second, take your partner’s upper lip in your mouth just for a moment, suck it, and then go back to kissing. This doesn’t mean the full upper lip, just the cupid’s bow (the very tip of the upper lip).

If you’re making out for a long time, interludes such as this can add some fresh excitement.

Watch the jaw

Don't move your jaw too quickly or too slowly. Kissing is a conversation and it's important to get the rhythm down before you start going for any Guinness records. -Zack, 8 years of kissing experience.

Kissing is kind of a fluid motion. You go in, kiss a little, pull back for air a little, go in a little and so on. When you’re into it, try to keep the movements slow and even. You don’t have to go nuts with the motions, which can cause some jaw pain and be hella awkward.

Massage your partner’s tongue with yours

It’s a dance between your two tongues. Not a competition to see who can be the most forceful! -James, 9 years of kissing experience.

You don’t have to use your tongue through the entire make out session. If you want to just kiss without tongue too, it’s totally fine. When you ARE using tongue, your go-to move when Frenching can be a massage between your two tongues. You can also try different things and see what feels most comfortable.

Switch up the rhythm and keep me guessing. I love when guys stop and go and keep it playful - stops it from getting monotonous. -Gabby, 9 years of kissing experience.

Be gentle, be conscious of the cues the other person is giving you. If they pull their tongue away, maybe they just want to kiss without tongue for a while. That’s OK!

Try a light nibble of the lower lip (but not too much)

There is nothing I like more than when my boyfriend gently bites my lip. It’s playful and sexy. -Marie, 5 years of kissing experience.

This is very similar to the “upper lip” sucking tip, but instead it’s a light nibble on the bottom lip. This one takes some expertise. You do not want to go chomping down on your partner’s lip. Keep it light. It’s more like you’re grabbing your partner’s lip between your teeth, rather than biting. Try biting your own lower lip for practice.

Watch for teeth and slobber

Be careful, like, pulling away from each other because of the slobber. -Jess, 9 years of kissing experience.

Now, we are talking about tongue kissing here so there will be some slobbery spit and teeth clanking involved. Don’t stress too much over it, just be aware that these things exist.

Occasionally, you will clank teeth with someone and that’s perfectly OK. Just go straight back to doing your thing, bb. It happens to everyone!

Which brings me to my last point.Remember, we’re all just trying to figure it out

We’re all self-conscious when it comes to kissing. We’re all self-conscious when it comes to, well, everything. Honestly, you don’t really get over the nervousness. Anytime you kiss someone new, there is internal doubt.

Just remember that we’re all trying to be impressive and sexy. No one knows what they’re doing. Kissing takes practice and chemistry with the right person. Not every kiss will be spectacular and few kisses will be miserable. Relax, take a breath, and remind yourself that kissing should be fun!

Some other important information:

Some studies have shown that it might be possible to pass HPV through tongue kissing. For more information, click here. It is also possible to pass the Herpes virus (HSV1) through kissing. HSV1 is the virus that causes the common cold sore. For more information, click here.

Gigi Engle is a writer and sex educator in NYC.

This article was first published in 2017 and has since been updated to include even more information.

Related: 6 Things You Need to Know About Hickeys