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SHORT STORY
Short story R No.204
Русь - империя
О.Л. Д Ор
 
(Продолжение. Начало в №44)

Пётр Великий

Пётр Великий был гигант на бронзовом коне1.

До Петра Русь была непроходимо-бородатой страной. У всех - от первейшего боярина до последнего конюха - был волос долог2.

Один из знатных иностранцев, выписанный в Россию как искусный плотник, но сделавшийся впоследствии историком, так описывает тогдашнюю Русь.

<... Эта большая страна, -- тешет иностранный плотник, -- вся густо поросла бородой. Из-за бород не видно голов. Русский думает бородой, пьёт чай бородой, ест клюкву бородой и ею же обнимает и целует жену>.

Итальянский писатель, живущий на Капри3, уверяет, что Россия - государство уездное. Какое глубокое заблуждение!.. <Россия попросту - государство бородатое>.

Пётр Великий решил прополоть страну и приказал немцам изобрести для этой цели соответствующую машину.

Немцы, не долго думая, изобрели ножницы и бритву, что произвело сильный переворот в законах физики и химии.

В первый раз на улицах Москвы раздалась впоследствии столь знаменитая четырёхчленная формула - <Стригут, бреют, кровь отворяют>4.

Кто не хотел стричься и бриться, тому <кровь отворяли>.

Ужас объял бояр, привыкших с малых лет носить длинную седую бороду. Одни из них бежали, бороду свою спасая, в свои далёкие вотчины. Другие пускались на разные хитрости.

Отправлялись к царю с докладом бритыми.

Пришедши же домой, они отращивали себе длинные бороды и самодовольно гладили их, радуясь, что обошли молодого Петра.

Так поступали они ежедневно.

Однако обмануть зоркого Петра было нелегко. Хитрецов накрывали и наказывали...

Когда все бороды были отрезаны, однаружилось, что под бородами высшие сановники носили широкие длиннополые кафтаны.

<Половые проблемы>5 боярских кафтанов были также решены посредством ножниц.

Когда все стали безбородыми и бесполыми, Пётр сказал:

Теперь за дело! Довольно баклуши бить6 и у соседей смех вызвать. Начнём лучше соседей бить и слёзы у них вызывать.

Вздохнули бояре, но делать было нечего. Стали учиться, в угоду Петру, бить соседей.

Первая победа Петра

Первую победу Пётр одержал над турками. Это в одинаковой степени изумило и победителей и побеждённых.

Неужели мы побиты? - удивлялись турки. - Не может быть! Это судебная ошибка!

Побиты, побиты! - показывали все народы Европы и Азии. - Сами видели, как вы бежали.

Турки продолжали допрашивать свидетелей:

Может быть, мы бежали позади, а русские впереди?

Но народы стояли твёрдо на своём и показывали:

Нет, вы бежали впереди, а русские бежали сзади и лупили вас в спины. Посмотрите, там ещё, вероятно, синяки сохранились.

Турки посмотрели друг другу на спины и вынуждены были признаться:

В самом деле синяки...

Они грустно опустили турецкие носы на турецкие сабли, потом сами опустились на турецкие ковры и с горя стали пить турецкий кофе.

После первой победы последовала вторая, потом третья, четвёртая и все остальные победы.

Война кончилась отнятием у турок Азова7.

Последний вскоре научился говорить и писать по-русски.

Впоследствии он совершенно растуречился и начал писать фельетоны в русских газетах, подписываясь полным именем: <Вл. Азов>8.

Война со шведами

За что возгорелась война со шведами, неизвестно. Историки в подобных случаях постоянно скрывают истинную причину.

В Швеции тогда царствовал Карл XII9.

Хоть ты и двенадцатый, а побью тебя! - сказал Пётр. Карл принадлежал к секте бегунов. Всю жизнь он к кому-нибудь или от кого-нибудь бежал.

Бежал к Мазепе10 в Полтаву, но Ворскла и русские солдаты произвели на него удручающее впечатление, и он убежал из Полтавы к татарам.

У татар он остался недоволен кумысом11 и бежал к султану.

Узнав, что у султана много жён, Карл XII поспешил бежать от соблазна к себе на родину, где у него не было ни одной жены.

Из Швеции бежал к полякам. От поляков снова куда-то убежал.

Смерти, преследовавшей Карла по пятам, еле удалось настигнуть его в какой-то битве, и она поспешила воспользоваться этим случаем.

Пётр же всё время стоял на одном месте и занимался делом - строил, стругал, пилил, тесал.

В результате Пётр остался победителем.

Полтавская битва

Горел восток12 зарёю новой. Уж на равнине по холмам гремели пушки. Дым багровый клубами всходил к небесам навстречу утренним лучам.

Не по доброй воле гремели пушки. Их каждый раз заряжали с казённой части и вынуждали палить по шведам.

Шведы тоже палили, но плохо. Карл XII после очередного бегства повредил себе ногу и не мог ходить. При самом начале битвы Пётр приказал войскам своим одерживать победу, и войска не смели ослушаться. Карл же XII не догадался это сделать, и войска его не знали, как вести себя: одержать победу или потерпеть поражение.

После небольшого колебания шведы из двух зол выбрали меньшее - поражение...

Много способствовало поражению шведов присутствие в их войсках малороссийского гетмана Мазепы.

Гетман был человек весьма образованный и до конца своих дней сохранил сильную любовь к женитьбе.

В искусстве жениться Мазепа не знал соперников, но воевода он был плохой. Неуменьем воевать он перезаразил всё шведское войско, и оно не выдержало натиска петровских войск.

Шведы бежали. Те же, которым было лень бежать, сдались Петру.

Карл и Мазепа не поленились и бежали.

После Полтавской битвы шведы повесили носы на квинту13. Так они и висят до сих пор.

Русские же под предводительством Петра высоко подняли головы.

Гордые возвратились войска в Петербург под звуки музыки.

Народ наружно радовался и кричал <ура>, но внутренне роптал на Петра.

Царь - плотник

Пётр Великий часто ездил за границу.

Вечно озабоченный государственными делами, он однажды в Саардаме14 дал пощёчину одному честному голландцу.

Жители Саардама ещё до сих пор гордятся этой исторической пощёчиной и задирают нос перед жителями остальных голландских городов.

Мы не какие-нибудь! - говорят с гордостью саардамцы. - Сам Пётр Великий избрал для пощёчины физиономию одного из наших граждан.

Осчастливив саардамцев, Пётр уехал в Амстердам, где стал учиться плотничьему искусству.

Теша брёвна, он неоднократно думал:

<Вот так я обтешу бояр15>.

Впоследствии Пётр должен был сознаться, что обтесать бревно гораздо легче, чем обтесать боярина...

Всё-таки до конца жизни Пётр не выпустил из своих мозолистых царственных рук топора и рубанка. И до конца своей жизни он остался великим царём-плотником...

Умер Пётр, простудившись при спасении утопавших солдат. Великий мореплаватель не утонул, спасая солдат.

Только через двести лет потопил его скульптор Бернштам16 своим памятником на Сенатской площади...

Русь сильно была продвинута вперёд могучей рукой гениального великана.

Но ... не всё было сделано.

Пётр застал Русь бородатою и оставил её взлохмаченною.

(Продолжение следует)

Russia as an Empire
O.L. D'Or
 
(Continued from No.44)

Peter the Great

Peter the Great was a giant on a bronze horse. Before Peter, Old Rus was a densely bearded country. Everyone, from the first boyar down to the last stable lad, was long-bearded.

One of the noble aliens, who was invited to Russia as a skillful carpenter but eventually became a historian, thus describes the Rus of those days:

":This vast land," the foreign carpenter hewed away, "is thickly grown with beard all over. One cannot see the heads for the beards. Russians think with their beards, drink tea with their beards, eats cranberries with their beards, and with beards again embrace and kiss their wives."

An Italian writer resident on Capri assures us that Russia is a provincial state. What abysmal delusion! "Russia is quite simply a bearded state."

Peter the Great decided to weed the country and ordered the Germans to invent to that end a suitable machine. The Germans, without much ado, invented scissors and razor, which made a revolution in the laws of physics and chemistry.

For the first time Moscow streets heard the subsequently famous four-word formula: "Haircutting, shaving, blood-letting."

Those reluctant to have their hair cut and beard shaved, were subjected to blood-letting.

Horror gripped the boyars who, from the child, had been used to wearing long gray beards. Some of them fled to their remote estates, to save their beards; others resorted to various subterfuges.

They would report to the czar clean-shaven.

But back home, they grew long beards and stroked them smugly, glad that they had duped young Peter. Thus they did daily.

But fooling watchful Peter was no easy matter. Rogues were exposed and severely punished:

When all the beards had been cut off, it emerged that under the beards, the highest officials wore wide, long-skirted kaftans.

The skirt-problems of the boyar kaftans were likewise settled by means of scissors.

When all were beardless and skirtless, Peter said: "Now, set to! Enough of heel-kicking and making neighbors laugh. We'd better start kicking the neighbors and making them cry."

The boyars sighed, but there was nothing they could do. So they started learning to beat their neighbors, to humor Peter.

Peter's First Victory

Peter scored his first victory over Turks. That astonished both the victors and the vanquished in equal measure. "Are we really beaten?" wondered the Turks. "Impossible! Must be a miscarriage of justice."

"You are, you are!" testified the nations of Europe and Asia in concert. "We saw you run off."

The Turks went on with their witness interrogation: "Perhaps we were running behind, and the Russians before us?"

But the nations stuck to their guns and testified:

"No, you were running ahead, while the Russians in hot pursuit pummeled you on the back. Why don't you check it, there are probably bruises there still."

The Turks looked at each other's backs and had to admit: "Indeed, there are bruises:"

Crestfallen, they hung their Turkish heads over their Turkish swords, then they themselves sank onto Turkish rugs and started drinking Turkish coffee to drown their sorrows. The Russians could not quite believe that they had won, either, and tentatively questioned the eyewitnesses: "Were we running before the Turks or behind?" The eyewitnesses reassured them:

"Don't you doubt it, chaps. You were chasing the Turks and giving them a good hiding into the bargain."

After the first victory, there was a second, and a third, a fourth, and all the others.

The war ended in taking Azov away from the Turks. Azov, now, soon learned to speak and write in Russian.

In the fullness of time, he shed any Turkishness he'd ever had and started contributing to satire columns in Russian newspapers signing his pieces with his full name - Vl. Azov.

Peter was very proud of defeating the Turks and taking Azov away from them.

War against the Swedes

Why we had to fight the Swedes is unknown. Historians in similar cases tend to conceal the real reason.

Sweden at the time had Charles XII for king.

"You may be number twelve and all, but I'll beat you all the same," said Peter.

Charles was a member of the Runners Sect. All his life he ran to or from someone.

He ran to Mazepa in Poltava, but the Vorskla and Russian soldiers made a dismal impression on him, so he ran away from Poltava to the Tartars.

There, he did not like Tartar koumiss and ran off to the Sultan.

Apprised of the fact that the Sultan had many wives, Charles XII hastened to run away home, to escape the temptation, for at home he had no wives at all.

From Sweden he ran away to the Poles, from whom he again ran away somewhere.

Death, that had been close on Charles' heels all the while, barely managed to catch up with him in some battle or other, and it jumped at the chance.

Peter, meanwhile, stayed put all the time and did honest work - building, planing, sawing, trimming.

As a result, it was Peter who won.

The Battle of Poltava

The East was colored by new dawn, the cannons thund'ring on the hills. And purple smoke rose heavenward to meet the rosy rays of morn.

The cannons were not thundering of their own free will. Every time they were charged from the breech end and forced to fire on the Swedes.

The Swedes also fired but very inexpertly. One of Charles XII's runs left him with an injured foot so that he could not walk. At the start of the battle, Peter ordered his troops to win, and the troops did not dare disobey him.

As for Charles XII, the idea did not occur to him, and his troops were at a loss what to do - score a victory or suffer a defeat. After brief vacillation, the Swedes settled for the lesser of two evils - defeat:

The Swedes' defeat was greatly facilitated by the presence among them of the Ukrainian hetman Mazepa.

The hetman was a man of considerable learning and to his dying day preserved a strong attachment to marriage.

In the art of marriage Mazepa was without equal, but as an army commander he was just no good. He infected the entire Swedish army with his lack of fighting skill, and the army collapsed under the onslaught of Peter's forces.

The Swedes fled. Those who felt too lazy to do so, however, surrendered to Peter. Charles and Mazepa were not of the lazy lot, and ran away.

After the Battle of Poltava, the Swedes lost heart. And they have not found it to this day.

As for the Russians, they held their heads high under the guidance of Peter.

Proudly did the troops return to St. Petersburg to the sounds of a brass band.

The Carpenter Czar

Peter the Great frequently traveled abroad.

Constantly preoccupied with matters of state, he once boxed an honest Dutchman's ears in Saardam.

The townspeople still take pride in that historic box on the ear and act high and mighty before residents of all other Dutch cities. "We're not just any Tom, Dick and Harry," Saardamers would declare haughtily. "Peter the Great himself selected the ear of one of our burghers for a box."

Having made Saardamers happy, Peter left for Amsterdam, where he started taking carpentry lessons.

As he was polishing a log, he would think:

"This is how I'll work on my boyars to teach them manners." Later Peter had to admit that polishing a log was a lot easier than polishing a boyar mind.

Nevertheless, Peter's toil-hardened royal hands never let go of the ax and the plane as long as he lived.

And to his dying day he remained a great carpenter czar:

Peter died from a bad cold he had caught while rescuing drowning soldiers.

The great seafarer did not drown himself in that rescue operation. It was not till 200 years later that sculptor Bernshtam drowned him with his monument on Senate Square:

Old Rus made tremendous progress pushed forward by the mighty hand of the brilliant giant.

But: not everything has been accomplished. Peter found Rus bearded and left it disheveled.

(To be continued)

Commentary
Commentary on the Russian

1. гигант на бронзовом коне: reference to the famous equestrian statue of the emperor by Etienne-Maurice Falconet (1716-1791) dubbed the Bronze Horseman that has become a virtual symbol of St. Petersburg.

2. волос долог: part of the Russian saying волос долог да ум короток which is, in fact, an unkind comment on the allegedly inferior intelligence of the woman who is "long of hair and short of brains"; here, used humorously to imply that boyars wore their beards long. Peter's obsession with boyar beards is a historical fact; his foreign tours convinced him of the inherent superiority of the foreigner, and since imitation had necessarily to begin with externals, he at once fell foul of the long beards and Oriental costumes symbolizing the arch-conservatism of old Russia. In April 1698, the chief men of the czardom were assembled round Peter's wooden hut at Preobrazhenskoe, and the czar, with his own hand, deliberately clipped off the beards and moustaches of his chief boyars.

3. на Капри: the Italian island of Capri is mostly known in Russia as the place where the writer Maxim Gorky spent several years of his life.

4. стригут, бреют...: the typical barber's sign in Russia said стрижём, бреем, кровь отворяем (we cut hair, shave beards, and let blood).

5. половые проблемы: play on the similarity of the words пола (skirt of a coat) and пол (sex, gender).

6. баклуши бить: coll. idiom that means "be idle," "twiddle one's thumbs" (literally, the phrase describes the activity of cutting away the useless parts of a piece of wood to get a workable blank (баклуша) that could be made into some wooden article; apparently, this was considered a non-job and became a byword for idleness).

7. Aзов: the chief Turkish fortress on the Sea of Azov; Peter's first Azov campaign was a disaster, but his Herculean efforts to build a fleet almost from scratch bore fruit, and the Turks, thus prevented from relieving Azov from sea, surrendered the fortress.

8. Bл. Азов: the penname of Vladimir Ashkinazi (1873-1941), Russian journalist, columnist, translator; emigrated to Paris in 1926.

9. Kарл XII: king of Sweden from 1697 to 1718; when the Northern War started in 1700, he was a mere lad of 17, but his outstanding personal qualities helped him first force Denmark out of the war, and then drive the Russians away from the Swedish trans-Baltic provinces in the battle of Narva; in1709 he accepted battle with the Russians rather than withdraw once again into Poland, in the hope of a successful outcome which would strengthen his position in negotiations with Turkey. However, wounded in the foot, he was unable to lead the army in person; the attack on the Russian fortified camp at Poltava failed, and three days later the bulk of the Swedish army surrendered to the Russians. Charles was by then already on his way to Turkish-held territory where he hoped to find allies.

10. к Мазепе: hetman of the Cossacks in the Russian Ukraine (1644-1709) remembered for his desertion from the Russians to the Swedes in the Great Northern War, numerous intrigues, flirtation with the Poles and Turks, and womanizing. The Vorskla is a left tributary of the Dnieper that runs through the city of Poltava.

11. кумысом: koumiss is a fermented beverage made by the nomadic peoples of central Asia from mare's milk.

12. горел восток...: slightly altered lines from Pushkin's Poltava (Горит восток зарёю новой/ Уж на равнине, по холмам/ Грохочут пушки. Дым багровый/ Кругами всходит в небесам/ Навстречу утренним лучам).

13. повесили носы на квинту: old-fashioned idiom meaning "to be down in the mouth," "to be upset."

14. однажды в Саардаме: reference to an anecdote about Peter slapping the face of a Saardam burgher while he studied ship-building in that Dutch town.

15. обтешу бояр: play on the two meanings of the verb обтёсывать (lit. "to rough-hew wood" and fig. "to polish, teach manners").

16. потопил его скульптор Бернштам: in the early 20th century Leopold Bernshtam, chiefly known for busts of famous Russians and Frenchmen (Pushkin, Dostoevsky,Goncharov, Zola, Thomas, and others), adorned the Admiralty Embankment in St. Petersburg with sculpture groups illustrating various events in the life of Peter the Great. The statues have not survived.


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