Glib ‘Detention’ rips off horror icons

Four teens (from left, Aaron David Johnson, Shanley Caswell, Spencer Locke and Josh Hutcherson) must face down a killer in “Detention.”

Updated: May 14, 2012 8:07AM

You know the guy at work who’s off-the-charts smart but also disturbingly hyperactive and socially inept and aggressively annoying and preternaturally smug — and every time you see him coming, you pretend you’re texting or on the phone so he’ll pass you by and target someone else?

“Detention” is the movie version of that guy.

By the time we’ve sat through the opening scene — a meta-squared takeoff on the “Scream” movies — and a credits sequence that might as well shout “Look at me!,” it’s abundantly clear “Detention” is going to be a directorial drum solo, with characters breaking the fourth wall and  countless references to movies ranging from “Scott Pilgrim vs. the World” to “Heathers” to “Roadhouse” (!) to “Freaky Friday” to half the teen horror movies ever made.

That’s just the tip of the inside-joke iceberg. This is the kind of announce-its-own-cleverness movie that features detours with titles such as “The Lonely Ballad of Billy Nolan,” in which we see the backstory of how the obligatory jock-bully became part human, part fly, just like Jeff Goldblum back in the day. And when we go on a time-travel montage, won’t you feel like a pop culture genius if you recognize every fashion touch, every techno visual references, every perfectly selected soundtrack choice.

It’s all exceedingly wry and excessively sarcastic — and much more exhausting than entertaining.

There’s no doubting the passion and talent of “Detention” co-writer and director Joseph Kahn, and you have to give him credit for trying to “throw a hand grenade into cinema,” as Kahn puts it on his Twitter feed. Kahn touches on all the hallmarks of the typical teen horror film: the crazy party at the nerd’s house, the prom, the idiot cops who ignore all the warning signs even as the body count rises, the BFFs who become arch-enemies, the outcast nerd girl who’s virtually invisible as she pines for her cute friend, the blond bitch of a cheerleader, the hallway hijinks, the jerkoff principal. But Kahn spins virtually every cliche into yet another insanely trippy subplot. There’s a stuffed bear that’s actually a time machine, a strange guy in a hoodie who’s been in detention for 20 years, a mother-daughter body-switch that leads to far too many 1990s references and a killer named CinderHella, which is based on the movie-within-a-movie “Cinderhella.”

At one point the kids in the movie watch an illegal download of the unreleased “Cinderhella 3” for clues to what’s going on in their own increasingly absurd world. By then, you’re either giddy with instant cult-film fever or wondering, “Shouldn’t this all be more entertaining than it actually is?”

What’s that? Oh, yes, there are indeed actors in this movie, though they are all supporting players in Kahn’s glib ego-fest. Josh Hutcherson, who occasionally veered into blandness as Peeta in “The Hunger Games,” is consistently bland as the skateboarding Clapton Davis, who for some reason thinks it’s clever to say, “Clapton don’t dance” whenever he’s asked to dance.

Shanley Caswell is charming and cute as the smart and endearing Riley, while Spencer Locke has a few funny moments as the bitch Ione. Dane Cook as the principal with the disturbing facial scar and a bizarre backstory is pretty much like Dane Cook in his other endeavors: apparently a lot of people find him funny. I don’t. And I don’t know anyone who does.

One expects “Detention” to garner a few reviews calling it the coolest movie of the year and to win some fans of a certain age who will view it multiple times and write 10,000-word blog entries cataloging every single reference and inside joke. Others who take a chance on this admittedly unique effort will no doubt have an experience similar to mine. About an hour into it, I found myself silently chanting, “Please end, please end, please end.”

Even with a running time of about 90 minutes, my wish didn’t come true soon enough.