Of all the books I read the senior year of my doctorate, this was one of my favorite books. You’re Not Listening brought back memories from my minor in speech during my undergrad and my non-verbal communication classes. Kate Murphy challenged me to wake up and pay attention once again. You’re Not Listening is wakeup call to the lost art of effective listening in order to truly connect with others.
The book covered the lost art of listening, syncing our feelings, paying attention to our curiosity, being aware of assumptions, stopping tone deaf responses, being slow to speak (tortoise and the hare syndrome), listening to opposing views, focusing on what is important, improvisational listening, conversational sensitivity, listening to our inner voice, supporting (not diverting) the conversation, utilizing our entire hearing mechanism--hammers, anvils and stirrups, noticing our addiction to distraction, noting what silences reveal, awakening to the morality of listening, and finally, knowing when to stop listening.
As Murphy admonished, “Listening is arguably more valuable than speaking.” To really listen is to be moved physically, chemically, emotionally, and intellectually by another person’s narrative. Written by a journalist who has interviewed everyone from “Nobel laureates” to homeless children, this book challenges the reader to improve listening skills. “Whereas in the past we caught up with friends and family individually and in person, now we are more likely to text, tweet or post on social media.” Murphy reveals that people get lonely for lack of people listening to them! The first question she asked of those she interviewed for this book was “Who listens to you?” Everyone hesitated before they answered her! That was telling. The most common “bad listening behaviors” she found included interrupting, vague response to what was just said, looking at one’s phone or watch instead of the speaker, or fidgeting while the other is speaking.
Murphy claims “listening, more than any other activity, plugs you into life.” It was interesting to note that the CIA doesn’t train agents to be good listeners, rather they recruit good listeners to be agents. She also quoted one of my favorite authors during my twenties—Dale Carnegie—"You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interest in you.”
Here’s where listening skills really kick in and where most of us are lacking: Cliché and tone-deaf responses show we are not really paying attention. For example, when someone shares bad news (such as I lost my job or received bad medical news), the author recommends listening to the inflection of the speaker’s voice as well as the words spoken to gain a clue to what part is most concerning and painful to the speaker. If there is a pause or he/she gets choked up during part of the story, then that is the most concern part more than anything else. When you address that part of the bad news it shows you truly were listening, and you care about the individual. Listening is about being open and curious about someone else’s state of mind. “The ability to acknowledge someone’s point of view with a sensitive response encourages trust. This is a skill that does not come naturally in our distracted, busy, self-absorbed world, but it is vital if we want to reach people for God.
Develop your conversational sensitivity. That is what I learned in my undergrad. “Good listeners are better at both deceiving and detecting deceit. If you think back to the times in your life when you were fooled there were likely things you missed. Was there a too-urgent tone, facts that didn’t quite add up, hostility or exasperation in the person’s voice when questions were asked? For me it is usually a discomfort in the pit of my stomach that I can’t quite put my finger on but I know they are lying. Murphy encourages us to pay attention to those things!
She concludes her book with a message to remind us how important listening truly is. Because, when we engage with someone in conversation, our behavior does two things: 1) it helps or hinders our understanding, and 2) strengthens or weakens the relationship
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