We already know that Her Majesty has incredible fashion game (often featuring in best dressed lists) and that she is handy with a Leica. Now it turns out Elizabeth is also the Queen of throwing shade.
Upon visiting the German president, Joachim Gauck, Elizabeth II was presented with a Nicole Leidenfrost painting. The work, which resembled a George Stubbs piece – if Stubbs had been a Central Saint Martins student off his tits on Quaaludes – features a young Liz on horseback.
As an awkward silence stretched out, long as a Frankfurter Würstchen, the Queen shared a look with Prince Philip, before declaring blue to be a “strange colour for a horse”.
Not content with slighting just one element of the painting, as Gauck’s smile slid away like a Dali clock, the Queen asked about the figure in yellow, with wedge clubs for feet: “Is that supposed to be my father?”
Gauk, however, who at the time of writing was said to be locked in a store cupboard, weeping, can take heart from the fact that the Leidenfrost painting is from far the most awkward diplomatic gift ever given. Here are 10 excellent reasons for dignitaries to always keep receipts.
1. Komodo dragon
Poor George Bush; we’re almost certain he misunderestimated the awfulness of the diplomatic gifts he would receive. During his time as POTUS, Bush was given, in no particular order: a copy of the The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook and six jars of fertiliser (from the Sultan of Brunei); a whip (Hungary); lamb meat (Argentina); and an “abs exerciser” (Singapore).
The true fire gift, however, came courtesy of Indonesia, which gave Bush a Komodo dragon. The dragon, which moved from the Oval Office to Cincinnati Zoo, went on to have 30 dragon-kids.
2. A snuff video, featuring puppies
It can’t be said that Saddam Hussein is a man who skimps on the thoughtfulness of his gifts. In return for gold cowboy spurs and, er, spiked torture hammers, gifts from the American administration, the former president of Iraq once gave Donald Rumsfeld a video featuring the beheading of snakes and stabbing of puppies. It sounds like a Chapman Brothers exhibition, but it’s true.
The only thing even moderately redeeming in this tale is that it was Rumsfeld who received the gift. The thing that makes it worse though, is that the film is available to view online (needless to say the video comes with a warning).
3. Giraffe
Muhammad Ali of Egypt gave France a giraffe called Zarafa, in 1826. Ten thousand people came to see Zarafa.
In the 19th century, France trolled the US when the Marquis de Lafayatte gave president John Quincy Adams an alligator – which he kept in the White House’s East Wing bathroom.
Russia’s president Vladimir Putin has also been the recipient of live animals as presents. This adorable 10-week-old puppy, named Buffy, was a gift from the Bulgarian prime minister.
Obama, meanwhile, was not given an alligator, but was given insurance against a crocodile attack as a present from Australia. Those jokers.
Last but not least, there is China, which seems to hand pandas out like the orange Fruit Pastilles no one wants.
4. Goose fat
After the former Australian prime minister Kevin Rudd complained on Twitter that he had a cold that made his voice sound like that of Mae West, British politician William Hague, a well-known wind-up merchant (his best work includes claiming expenses for a protest against NHS cuts he voted in favour of, LOLz), presented Rudd with a 750mg tub of goose fat.
Goose fat, according to Mr Hague, helps aid colds. Which is odd, given that Hague sounds like he has a cold 100% of the time. We’d have preferred some Lemsip and a packet of Strepsils.
5. Recyling bag
President Barack Obama has also received a lot of tat in his time as leader of the free world. So much, in fact, that the Washington Post once ranked 274 gifts received between 2009 and 2012 in order of their blandness. Included in the list were: an iPod shuffle, a plexiglass statue, and a recycled grocery bag from France. The United Kingdom gave a pretty cool gift, however: a ping pong table. Made in China.
6. Two potatoes
America has form for giving Russia the crappest presents, which makes sense, re the cold war. See US secretary of state John Kerry, who once gave Russian foreign minister Sergei Lavrov two potatoes from Idaho.
Then there was, of course, the infamous “reset” button, ostensibly a novelty gift to express more cordial relations between the two nations. The only issue was that the translator screwed up; the “reset” button actually read “overcharged”. Something the translator definitely did, whatever his fee.
7. Bulletproof limousine
There’s an incredible place in North Korea. No, wait, come back. It is the International Friendship Exhibition museum in Pyongyang, and it includes many, many wacky diplomatic gifts.
A particularly good example is a bulletproof limousine Josef Stalin sent to Kim Il-sung. But there’s a whole pile of treasures, including: a VHS of Space Jam, a bear’s head, and a Bjork album.
8. Sperm whale’s tooth
As if the Queen didn’t have enough to deal with, accepting shitty paintings disrespecting the memory of her dead father, she also has to grit her teeth when given the teeth of sperm whales. She is presented with the tabua every single time she visits Fiji. Think about that: every, single, time. She probably doesn’t have the heart to tell them.
9. Replica drone
The most passive-aggressive gift of all time: the replica drone Iran gave to Russia – a model of the American drones so often found hovering in Iran’s skies. Two nations just slagging off a common enemy. In terms of bitchiness, it’s up there with the burn book in Mean Girls. America cannot sit with Iran and Russia.
10. Straw penis sheath
Finally, we come full circle, to the British royal family. In Tanna, in the South Pacific, Prince Philip is a deity. No, but actually. The religious sect, the Prince Philip Movement, is followed by the Kastom people. In 2010, they made the Duke of Edinburgh his very own straw penis sheath. We have no idea whether the Queen thought it a strange colour for a penis sheath.
