Live From New York, It’s Steve Schwarzman

Stephen A. Schwarzman has been many things, including a mergers banker, a private equity mogul and philanthropist.

On Thursday night, the Blackstone Group co-founder tried out a new role: comedian.

Mr. Schwarzman delivered the keynote speech at the Alfred E. Smith Memorial Foundation Dinner, an annual Catholic charity fund-raiser named in honor of the former governor of New York. Held at the Waldorf-Astoria hotel in Midtown Manhattan, it is one of the most prominent charity events on the New York circuit, with presidential candidates often stopping by during election years. (None were in attendance on Thursday, perhaps for the better. More on that later.)

By tradition, the keynote speaker of the 66-year-old event is supposed to deliver a mostly humorous speech, and Mr. Schwarzman’s roughly 15-minute peroration was laced with humor. Blackstone staff members took weeks to write the speech, with contributions from executives like John Studzinski, the head of the firm’s financial advisory practice. But we’re told that Mr. Schwarzman — who confidently delivered the speech wearing a traditional white-tie ensemble — practiced giving the full speech only twice before Thursday night.

DealBook was on hand to jot down some of his zingers. From our notes:

• Mr. Schwarzman acknowledged the protests downtown: “Thank you for the opportunity to address the 66th annual Alfred E. Smith Memorial Foundation Dinner. Or as I like to call it, Occupy Wal-Dorf.” As he noted later, Blackstone also happens to own the Waldorf through its Hilton Worldwide portfolio company.
• The line that brought the house down: “Brian Moynihan is here tonight. He’s the C.E.O. of Bank of America. As many of you know, Brian’s brother Patrick runs a Catholic boarding school in Haiti. Their parents must be so proud to see two of their boys running an underfunded, nonprofit organization.” Even Mr. Moynihan, who was in the audience, laughed.
• More topicality: “I know Rupert Murdoch is upset he can’t be here tonight, but after I read some of my jokes over the phone to my mother, Rupert called and told me that I had pretty good material.”
• Mr. Schwarzman recounted, in a fashion, how he and Peter G. Peterson founded Blackstone and chose its name. The first choice, he said, was “Stone-Cold Black-Hearted Partners.” Then came “Man and Son,” which he said was a little patronizing. The third choice was already taken by Goldman Sachs: “Vampire Squid.”

Mr. Schwarzman wasn’t above poking fun of himself, either, noting that he “grew from modest Pennsylvania beginnings to develop a nearly insatiable desire for stone crabs.” Dealbreaker, take a bow.

Much of the speech focused on an apparent discrepancy: a Jewish keynote speaker at a Catholic charity. But Mr. Schwarzman and his Catholic wife are longtime supporters of Catholic nonprofit organizations, including through their sponsorship of nearly 200 students through the Inner-City Scholarship Fund. (DealBook wrote about a visit to one of those students.)

There are other reasons as well, Mr. Schwarzman professed. First, he cracked, “You never know when you’re hedged enough.” And then he added that he was trying to arrange “a merger of Judaism and Catholicism,” noting a few things the two have in common. Among them was headgear, since Archbishop Timothy M. Dolan, who sat next to Mr. Schwarzman on the dais, wears a “yarmulke.”

A prolific donor to Republican candidates, Mr. Schwarzman included more than a few political cracks in his remarks, poking fun at Representative Charles B. Rangel, a Harlem Democrat, and former Representative Anthony Weiner. A sample: “I’m Jewish and a Republican. That used to be a rare thing. Now it describes all of Anthony Weiner’s old district.”

But he also threw a few barbs at Republicans as well, noting the presidential candidate Herman Cain’s “9-9-9″ tax plan. “It’s not just Herman Cain’s tax plan, or the number of cans of hair spray he goes through each year. ” Mr. Schwarzman said. “It’s also the number Rick Perry thinks comes after 888.”

Not every line went over smoothly. When Mr. Schwarzman described the Waldorf’s progressive history, he said, “It was the first hotel to admit women without escorts. Shortly after Eliot Spitzer heard ‘no escorts,’ he sent his regrets.” Much groaning followed.

But the speech had its serious side, too. Mr. Schwarzman pointed to high unemployment, collapsing housing prices and a sense of “economic and social alienation,” and called for an end to political gridlock and venomous partisanship to solve the country’s woes.

“At the end of the day, this can’t be about who occupies ‘one street,’ but about the fact that we are all Americans and we each deserve the right to aspire to the American dream and to achieve a bright future for ourselves and our families,” he said.

Mr. Schwarzman was followed by Archbishop Dolan, who said that the dinner had raised $3 million, one of its highest totals in recent history. He then delivered a brief benediction, before hastening the crowd to leave so he could watch his hometown baseball team, the St. Louis Cardinals.